This is the big leagues where holidays are concerned—traditions that invite us to decorate, host, cook, gift and gather more than the whole rest of the year put together. If some of the stress comes from dreading family friction, this advice from David P. Borsos, PhD, a licensed psychologist at Bethlehem Counseling Associates, will set you up with tools to glide above the bad vibes and embrace what you enjoy about the holidays.
Adjust Expectations
So grandpa's guaranteed to interrupt grandma and steal the spotlight with poorly designed puns. Annoying? Of course. “But don't get caught by surprise if some typical toxic anger breaks out,” Borsos advises. “You know that this happens and should expect it and be prepared for it.”
Frustration results when our expectations clash with reality, so don't go in hoping dad will have magically become a good listener. Everyone you know and love is going to be themselves, as usual, the good and the bad.
Plan Ahead
With the knowledge of what to expect at a family gathering, create a game plan about what you're willing to engage with and where you'll draw the line. Be polite and respectful, but “Do what you want,” Borsos says, with irresistible simplicity. Don't try to argue with or adjust the expectations of others, those are for them to manage.
For example, if you want to skip dessert altogether because you're avoiding sugar, you may plan to sympathize with the inevitable disappointment of family bakers, but politely and respectfully stand your ground.
Another method is to paraphrase what's being said to shed light on a mindless habit. Do you find yourself slipping back into the mentality of an aggrieved teen expected by your critical parents? Instead of a typical unhealthy reaction to the same old sniping, you might say, “Mom, is that why we came over today, so you could criticize me?”
She might not have noticed what she was doing, or that it was hurting your relationship.
She might learn something, but don't be surprised if family members rankle at change and try to draw you back into comfortable patterns—they're being frustrated by their own unmet expectations.
Communicate Your Limits
Lay down your limits ahead of time so that everyone's expectations are a little more realistic. After expressions of warm enthusiasm, Borsos says, “You might add, ‘The kids and I are coming over, but if Dad gets drunk and starts pulling his stuff again, we're leaving.'” Or, “I look forward to seeing everyone at the family dinner, and I'll be leaving around 9 p.m.”
It will ease the impact of your new boundaries to make others aware that you're taking a different approach this time. Be prepared to respectfully handle the blowback and not cave in to family pressure. Maybe it will dissipate by the day of the event!
The Pitfall of Politics
Strident diatribes on the political sphere are both a running joke and a bugbear of the holiday scene. However, within Borsos' wisdom, the controversy over social issues is the same as a difference over sports teams, competition over the most popular dessert or any other behavior you find abrasive. “Don't try to stop people from arguing,” he says. “Respect their right to participate, but feel free to say, ‘You're getting too intense for me, I'm going for a walk.'”
And you can always tell Uncle Conspiracy Theorist that you want to talk about something else when you get tired of explaining why he's wrong.
Don't Take It Personally
Part of keeping your cool when you're navigating habitual negativity is not identifying yourself personally with the item or topic being criticized. When someone says your stuffing is too dry, or your candidate is a monster, it's not about you, and don't take it that way. It may be easier said than done, but it goes a long way in giving you the space to choose calmly how you want to steer your interactions and experience.
Envision a future in which you can tell your dad breezily as you carve that if he doesn't like the turkey he can go to McDonald's.
Accentuate the Positive
While gracefully deflecting and avoiding people and topics that bother you, invest your attention in the things you enjoy about gathering. If you have to change the subject, bring up a fond memory or a positive topic, break out a lighthearted board game or seek out the family members who leave you feeling the warmest.
And if this is discouragingly difficult: “I may be tougher on this than most people,” Borsos says, “but if it's not good for you, don't go.”
The Expert:
David P. Borsos, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Bethlehem Counseling Associates
