Attachment styles are all over pop culture right now: anxious, avoidant, secure. Have you diagnosed yourself yet? This psychological theory is a powerful tool in assessing where our relational patterns come from and how we can improve them. Natalie Asayag, MSW, LCSW, owner of Renew Wellness & Psychotherapy in Easton, has the basics for what attachment theory is and the role it plays in our lives.
Latent Lessons
We're all born with an attachment system, our way of relating to others. We can't turn off our attachment system—it's constantly at work in romantic, platonic and even professional relationships. “Attachment theory explores how early childhood emotional attachment with our primary caregivers wires that system to connect with others in adulthood,” Asayag says.
It's these first relationships that lay the groundwork for how we try to get our emotional needs met and connect with others. Ideally, what we learn is to feel safe giving and expecting clear communication of needs—in other words, secure.
Secure Attachment
If our emotional needs are generally fulfilled and not met with shame from caregivers, we'll develop primarily that ideal secure attachment style. The percentage of the population enjoying a secure attachment style is around 65 percent.
“No one is just one attachment style,” Asayag notes. “They exist on a spectrum. Someone might be 75 percent secure and 25 percent anxious. Some psychologists believe there's a primary style and then a secondary.”
Insecure Attachment
When primary caregivers aren't able to consistently meet a child's emotional needs, that teaches some sad and difficult relational lessons, which can manifest in these insecure attachment styles.
Anxious Attachment
Caregivers who are inconsistent, project their needs onto their children, and/or use them to meet their own emotional needs can engender an anxious attachment style.
“The kid craves connection,” Asayag says, “but having it only sometimes leads to low self-worth.”
In adulthood, someone with a predominantly anxious attachment style might find themselves labeled as clingy or needy, feel they need to sacrifice their own needs to tend to their partner, and struggle to communicate those needs while getting frustrated that their minds aren't being read. “They can be too afraid of rejection to make their needs known,” Asayag says.
Those with anxious attachment benefit from a well-rounded life. The more they focus on building up their own friends and hobbies, and learn to self-soothe, the better they'll be able to feel healthy in a relationship.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant, or dismissive-avoidant, attachment style comes from a caregiver who rarely met the child's emotional needs. “They learn it's safer to avoid attaching to others because they're used to being shut down or dismissed,” Asayag says.
In adulthood, they may focus on the sexual element, fortifications of logic or a busy schedule to keep feelings buried. Their attachment system believes that emotional intimacy leads to rejection. They're quick to write others off, annoyed by a partner's emotional needs and afraid of feeling trapped.
Those with an avoidant style can benefit by identifying people they can learn to be vulnerable with and also learning how to articulate their need for space without just ghosting when triggered.
Disorganized Attachment
For these individuals, trauma may have been a part of childhood, with one or both caregivers a source of distress rather than security. “Not allowed to have feelings, and not safe,” Asayag says, “they're unable to build a strong sense of self and trust other people.”
“It's a hard style to change,” Asayag says, “and one I see only rarely, but they can benefit from self-compassion, healthy boundaries and learning to notice when they're pushing people away.”
Interacting Styles
Anxious and avoidant style people can find themselves drawn to each other because the anxious is wired to try to meet the needs of an inconsistent partner and the avoidant craves the attention the anxious offers—up to a point.
Learning about our attachment styles and triggers, and how they might be playing into our relationships, can help with understanding each other's needs and setting good boundaries to get those needs met together without falling into comfortably familiar yet toxic patterns.
“It takes a lot of hard work and vulnerability,” Asayag says, “but it's so cool that our attachment styles and system can be rewired. Life just becomes so much more grounded, safe and intimate when we do work towards that more secure type.”
Therapy Helps
“You don't have to be in therapy to build towards a secure attachment style,” Asayag says, “but it's so helpful to have that support and perspective.”
Adjusting emotional habits that we believe have been keeping us safe can be hard and scary, and a therapist can help give clarity and provide a sense of safety.
“People can also heal in their attachment styles with a secure person,” Asayag says. “Because wounds happen in a relationship, healing happens in a relationship.”
Published as “Ask the Expert” in the May 2023 edition of Lehigh Valley Style magazine.
