In a world where we swipe hastily through our options in search of instant gratification, Suzanne Dante of The Love Brokers urges us to slow down and get a little more human about dating. Located in the Wilkes-Barre area, Dante's affordable matchmaking service brings vetted clients together to find The One. Looking for long-term love? This advice is for you.
App Angst
If you're feeling overwhelmed and disheartened by the modern dating world, you're not alone. Many of Dante's clients come to her burned-out by Match mishaps and Tinder randos.
Like much in this ultra-connected world, online dating provides almost too many options. “Your brain can get addicted constantly looking through these photos,” Dante says.
This cheap glut of potential partners can have the effect of devaluing the individual. Interactions lose their weight, common decency crumbles and some are quick to drop one date and move on to the next.
“There is success,” Dante says, “but the majority who come to see me have been traumatized by lack of respect. Game playing, ghosting, inaccurate photos. One time, a gentleman couldn't make the date and he sent his friend.”
It's perfectly fair to feel a little fed up.
Take It Seriously, But Not Too Seriously
No matter how you meet, be it online, through a matchmaker or at the annual Christmas tree lighting downtown, keep your first dates lighthearted. “Share experiences, get to know each other, see if there's a connection,” Dante advises.
Leading off with your whole life story and a list of your perfect partner's qualities puts a lot of pressure on a person. Can you make mistakes and laugh together? Can you learn to be yourself around this person? That's good territory to explore early on. “There's no need,” Dante insists, “for an interrogation.”
It's a Date
The classic dinner date is a dud in Dante's book. Sitting face-to-face too easily turns into an interview. Seeking organic interaction, she recommends dates based on shared interests: “If
I have two that like the arts or history, I might recommend an art gallery.”
An activity like going to a park, grabbing ice cream and peoplewatching together on a bench, taking a yoga class, ziplining or perusing a used bookstore gives you something to talk about and clues to each other's energy level, sophistication, sense of humor and other indications of compatibility. Stay away from loud environments where you can't hear each other.
Sitting and eating together isn't entirely off the table. An appetizer and a glass of wine is a quick, noncommittal date idea that can turn into dinner if things go well.
Take It Slow
According to Dante, we write people off much too quickly, eager to plow on toward the shimmering mirage of someone perfect in every way. “If there's a possibility of attraction,” Dante says, “I recommend three or four dates before giving up.”
People fall in love at different rates and in different ways. We all contain unknowable mysteries. One person may have strong, obvious feelings and assume the other is barely interested, yet with patience, in Dante's experience, some of these relationships have turned into marriages.
Take it easy, get to know each other, let things unfold. Relationships develop in their own time.
Dating Don'ts
Sometimes you just know someone isn't for you. If they aren't emotionally available, if you can't see yourself kissing them, if your goals aren't in line, it's probably going nowhere. Don't force it.
“Know the difference,” Dante says, “between a playful sense of humor and someone demeaning you.” Casual negative comments can be the start of something toxic. Never accept a yo-yo diet of affection and insults.
Allowed enough time and imagination, an ideal fantasy image can take shape and lead to real-world disappointment, so don't let too much time elapse before you meet in person. “There's nothing like that face-to-face interaction,” Dante says. “The looks, actions, smell—so many things come in to play when you're getting to know someone.”
Compatibility vs. Chemistry
The most befuddling factor when it comes to a new sweetheart: mistaking chemistry for compatibility. “All too often people jump into bed quicker than they used to, get a false sense of emotional connection and assume they're exclusive, when they really don't know that person,” Dante warns. “I see it really hurting people's self-esteem and how they perceive relationships.”
With that delicious magnetism under your skin, you can spend time and energy trying to make something work that really isn't a long-term match. “Months later you find out he wants you to pay for everything, he doesn't work, he's nothing like you.”
The best relationships start with friendship. It takes time, effort and patience to find a partnership that's going to be true blue.
The Expert:
Suzanne Dante
Founder/Matchmaker
The Love Brokers | 500 3rd Ave., Kingston | 570.287.3283 | thelovebrokers.com
