An unflagging fountain of encouragement, Kelly Pender is the Spiritual Mindset Success Coach whose Badass-Babe-branded podcast and community help women uncover and align with their soul's purpose. Here's her advice on how to give yourself the fun and freedom of a magical life.
Fear-Led and Pursuing Pain
We're out of alignment, according to Pender, when we've stopped allowing ourselves to follow the things that light us up with joy and fulfillment. “It tends to be when we're focused on living life for others,” she says. People-pleasing, following some supposed-to plan we made in our 20s, fitting ourselves to an impersonal definition of success—sound familiar?
Not only do we play it safe in this comfort zone, we're programmed to think life and success has to be hard: no pain, no gain. “It doesn't get to be easy,” Pender says. “It has to be a challenge.” She explains that we've been trained to believe we have to overwork ourselves to prove our worth, to be successful and for others to think we're enough.
Pender's message: we're inherently enough because we are, not because anyone else said so. Choose not to give that power away and let others decide if you're worthy. Call your power back and choose to believe in your worthiness and the hopes you have for your life.
OK, yes please! But where do we begin?
Limiting Beliefs and Decisions
“What I like to do first is allow clients to see if there are any limiting beliefs at the forefront that are preventing them from expanding into their fullest expression,” Pender says.
We form these beliefs often in childhood but also anytime we have a profound emotional experience that teaches us what's safe. In Pender's example, she was walking down a high school hallway in a new outfit, feeling sassy and radiant when a girl screamed vulgarities at her from a distance. Everyone's head turned. Mortification flooded her.
“I decided it's not safe to express myself with the way I want to dress,” she recalls with the clarity of retrospect. “It's not safe to shine and share myself.” That kind of belief doesn't limit itself to wardrobe. It also had to be worked through to allow Pender to show up online, allow herself to be seen and empower herself teach her wisdom.
Shadow Work
The deep inner Shadow Work that Pender employs to excavate and address these subconscious beliefs can be messy. “This could be going back to a really traumatic experience,” she acknowledges. “We avoid it because our ego wants to keep us safe, brush it under the rug.”
But in letting those old emotions be seen, heard and witnessed, we can ask deliberately: is that the truth or a story? We can choose to rewrite the narrative. “I'm worthy,” Pender decides. “It's safe for me to shine.”
See if you can start to notice ways you're putting yourself through the wringer. A common example lies in the excessive work ethic that leads to so much guilt-stricken burnout. “Resting does not equal laziness,” Pender says. “Rest is vital.”
Perhaps it started when you were a child and a parent demanded you make yourself useful somehow, or through years in a culture celebrating those working themselves to the bone. If you now feel unworthiness and shame the second you lose sight of your to-do list, there's an option to feel it, see it for what it is and let it pass. Let go of these stories and make room for your own.
Signature Success
When your narrative changes to worthiness, an expansive sense of possibility clears the way to your dreams. What makes each of us happy will look and feel different for each individual, but Pender's soul-aligned sisterhood is pursuing happiness, playfulness, freedom and so much else.
Try journaling on your own definition of success, and the dreams your soul is sending to you. Seek and follow what lights you up, and let the universe pave the way.
“I may not know what exactly I will be doing, or who with,” Pender says, “but I know how I want to feel.” Stay loyal to that part of you.
This approach doesn't mean never feeling scared or intimidated by aspirations and growth. But when they're truly your dreams and not somebody else's, trust in your own intuition makes you brave.
Manifestation Drill
When your hopes seem to exceed plausibility, don't be discouraged. This quick and powerful manifestation amplifier will allow you to match your energy to
your goal. Take a few minutes to close your eyes and see yourself already living out that dream. You're already there! See, hear
and feel as if the desire were reality. You'll feel proud, confident, certain, capable, wealthy, worthy—whatever it is. Don't pressure yourself with the “how.” Your higher power, your openness to possibility will show you your next steps.
Published as "Ask the Expert" in the August 2022 edition of Lehigh Valley Style magazine.
