A mother-daughter relationship can be the first relationship a human develops and, very often, is the most complicated one. Creating and maintaining a healthy mother-daughter relationship, as one moves through the different phases of life, takes effort. Let these steps from Meg Deak, a licensed professional counselor of Life Rhythms who works primarily with teens and parents in the Lehigh Valley, serve as a reminder. They may not always be easy, but they are important for a lasting, loving relationship to blossom.
Deak says that, at any age, communication really is the key to a healthy relationship. “Learning how to communicate involves understanding that communication is two-sided,” she says, noting that it is vitally important to realize that communication goes beyond verbal. It includes tone, body language and eye contact. These are vital in being able to observe whether or not someone is engaged in the conversation. Deak says that she frequently sees a teen’s eyes glaze over as their parent continues to talk without ever realizing their child has disengaged from the conversation.
Healthy communication is also about listening. Good listening skills require not just hearing the words, but also paying attention to what and how something is being said. It starts with maintaining eye contact, being attentive, withholding judgment and emotion and not jumping to conclusions. If asking questions, it should be to clarify and better understand rather than to interrupt and impose solutions. This can take practice and discipline.
Keep it 70:30
One of the biggest mistakes in a mother-daughter relationship, especially during teenage years, is talking too much. The 70:30 rule is a key ratio to remember. It means allowing the daughter to talk 70 percent of the time, while the mother talks just 30 percent. Allowing them to talk the majority of the time gives them a chance to formulate and work through their thought processes. The mother’s 30 percent is meant to be strategic. Deak says, “Your role is to act as a guide, providing another way of looking at things without negating their viewpoint.” The benefit is that it allows them to develop their own communication and problem-solving skills.
Breathe First
Check your emotions. Fear and worry often come out as anger, impacting one’s own health as well as the relationship and communication channel between daughter and mother. Take a moment to breathe and, if needed, step away from the situation to regain composure and perspective on the situation.
Avoid Too Many Rules
Everyone needs some sense of control in her world and that includes daughters. Too many rules set the relationship up for ongoing and excessive battles. Deak suggests two to three hard and fast rules around safety and family stability. “It is better to pick your battles judiciously and teach the art of compromise and decision making along the way,” she says.
Don’t Take it Personally
In preteen transition, around 11 or 12 years old, daughters begin to compare their moms to other moms around them and can become argumentative. They begin to look at mom with a critical mind. Deak explains that this is a very natural part of the process of brain development in becoming an individual and learning to formulate arguments and critical thinking. Trouble arises when the mom takes it personally as opposed to understanding it is part of their daughter’s growth and maturation. As long as it is respectful, Deak says, “Allowing them to talk things through, they often end up walking themselves to the other side of the argument.”
Be a Guide
The definition of friendship implies being a partner with shared experiences and the ability
to share personal challenges. Friendship is a two-way street and, as a parent, one shouldn’t share personal problems with her child. The role of a mom is to be a guide to help her child become a strong individual. Once a daughter reaches adulthood and is emotionally and intellectually mature, a friendship can then blossom.
Healthy mother-daughter relationships can evolve and transform over time, from a guide in adolescence to a friend in adulthood.
Practice Self-Care
Throughout the life cycle of any mother-daughter relationship, self-care is critical. Whether one is a new mom or a daughter taking care of an aging mom, both need outlets for self-care. Exercise, meditation, taking a walk outside, a bubble bath, reading or time spent on a creative activity can all do wonders in restoring energy. The key is taking those moments of time to recharge. In addition, being diligent in maintaining one’s own friendships is vital. It is all too easy on either end of the spectrum to lose sight of one’s own needs for social connection.
Have Compassion
After over 25 years of working with mothers and daughters, Deak concludes, “It is easy to forget that a mom is someone who had a life before their daughter and who had a mother of her own, who had a mother of her own, who had a legacy of being parented. Every mom carries forward [her] own experience and history.” As adults, appreciating and recognizing our humanness is vital. By finding forgiveness and not carrying the past history into the present and future relationship, one can foster healthy connections.
