Going through a divorce or breakup, regardless if you are the initiator or the receiver, is a major life change that is emotionally challenging and stressful. Understanding the emotional process and integrating supportive strategies can help one move through the process in a healthy way.
Tracy Hamill-Walters, LPC, shares that divorce and breakups can trigger a grief response. “It’s normal to go through stages similar to the grief cycle of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance,” she says. “The more you allow yourself to feel your feelings, the quicker you can move through them.” Feeling those feelings and moving through those stages takes time and it is important to honor that process as well as be gentle on yourself along the way.
Seeking Support
Seeking professional help from a therapist can be an invaluable tool in the process, especially if you find yourself coping through emotional eating, drinking, shopping or mindless scrolling on the internet. “It’s tempting to engage in activities that help you ‘numb’ the pain/grief, but this actually prolongs the healing process,” Hamill-Walters says. “Therapists can help you reframe the situation, provide a good sounding board, help you make meaning of the breakup and help keep you accountable for taking action steps so you don’t get ‘stuck’ in any of the grief stages.” (Online therapy options like Talkspace allow access to a therapist without even leaving the house!)
In addition to professional help, another action step is to recognize and utilize your support network. It may start with a close friend and extend from there. Staying social is important in staying connected as well as remembering you are not alone. Many have experienced a divorce or serious breakup and that shared experience can provide comfort.
Online groups can also offer a network of support, especially when not feeling up to or unable to have face-to-face interaction. She says, “It’s tempting to remain isolated while you go through the breakup process; however, it’s important to resist isolation as much as possible as it will actually increase the likelihood of depression and anxiety.”
If you feel your network isn’t strong enough, then begin to build that out. Seeking support groups geared toward divorce and relationships can be a vehicle to expand your network. If the group doesn’t seem like a good fit, don’t stop at one, keep looking for other options.
Outside of your support network, evidence shows that books can aid in the healing process. Bibliotherapy, or books as therapy, is a tool to bridge gaps in understanding and processing. In reading others’ experiences, one can gain insight, perspective, guidance and support. It is best used in conjunction with therapy, but can be helpful on its own.
Self-Care and Self-Love
Self-love means being compassionate with yourself in the process and releasing self-judgement. Taking care of your whole self is vitally important. The expression “emotion is
change in motion” reminds us that moving the body can help change and improve our emotional state. Exercise impacts all aspects of one’s health—physically, emotionally and spiritually. Exercise also provides a release valve for the stress and anxiety that you may be experiencing along the way.
In addition to incorporating exercise, breathing techniques can give you a tool that is immediately accessible, any time in your day and regardless of where you are. Box breathing is a simple yet powerful method that helps reduce stress and anxiety, allowing one to refocus and move away from negative thought patterns. Simply breathe in on a four count—at the end of the inhale, hold for a four count, exhale for four and, at the end of the exhale, hold for a four count. With each breath, you can also visualize tracing a side of a square. Repeat for six to 10 breaths.
Be an Explorer
Being in a partnership, it is easy to lose track of personal interests and passions, as they often take a back seat to shared interests when in a relationship. Exploring what interests you— things you may have forgotten that you enjoy doing—can help redefine who you are and who you wish to be. Trying new things can expand how you wish to experience life moving forward. It can also open up new opportunities to connect with others and create new friendships.
Establishing your own interests and passions helps to redefine and reacquaint yourself with who you are. In the process, it is important to take the time to get clarity on your own needs and what is important to you in your life as well as in a relationship.
Returning to Dating
A healthy return to dating starts with making sure that you are over the breakup or divorce. Being able to recognize that chapter of your life as being over, while taking what you learned from it, helps ensure you aren’t carrying baggage into future relationships.
Taking the time to heal and establish your interests and needs is critical, but it can get comfortable in the not-ready-to-date-again zone. If you have done your work, stepping out and giving yourself permission to date again can open the door to new opportunities for a loving relationship.
Dealing with a divorce or breakup is a difficult process. “Many believe that on the other side of crisis lies opportunity,” Hamill-Walters says. “Grieving the loss is essential to the healing process; however,
it is also imperative to have a sense of hope about the future and a plan forward in a positive direction.” Taking the time to grieve, seek support, work on self-love and re-establish what is important to you can help you in the process.
